Sunday, August 24, 2008

It's Finally here.....

The first day of school.

I had to walk my little redhaired boy to his kindergarten classroom and entrust him to the care of his teacher, who barely knows who he is, for an entire day. Or for 186 days, depending on how you look at it. I have to let her know what it means when he starts sucking his thumb during the daytime, how it means that he's either very tired or anxious. Or that he won't remember or think to go to the bathroom unless you tell him. That he won't be able to find his way back to his classroom from anywhere in that huge big school. Who won't, under any circumstances, get up from his chair if you tell him not to, even if his pants are on fire. Who is loving and sweet and huggy and precious to me.

How can I tell her all that in one short conversation? It all comes down to that, the letting-go and surrendering our most precious possessions to the teachers who hardly know who is who, who don't yet know their personalities or their anxious moments or their worries.

And it's not just about this one:

It's about taking this one to high school, yes high school, and leaving him there. A place where kids aren't little anymore, where there are bomb threats (thankfully just a very few), where the police come and arrest kids during the school day, where there are kids driving cars to school, and where safety is something that every mother and father worries about every single day. Where names like "Columbine" go through your head everyday and all you really want is for them to be safe.

We took them all, all 4 of them, on the first day and I got to walk in Tyler and Kevin, who started 4th grade, and I actually didn't cry until after I got back into the car. But it was hard to tell if I was crying because of taking Tyler to kindergarten or Ryan to high school or Kevin to 4th grade or Jake to 7th grade.

I'm all by myself now all day. Last year or the year before I would have been delirious with the idea of having so much time to myself, but now I'm kinda lost. With kids in preschool a couple of days a week, by the time you get them there at 9 when it starts and have to pick them up before 2:30, sometimes it's just enough time to get a shower, go to the store and unpack all the groceries. But now it's serious time, every day, all day. And you can only clean the house so much...

So I have to find myself, find a routine, figure out what needs to be done the most and do it first, then get all the other things done. I'm lost without any of them here, but I guess I will get used to it! Probably by the end of school it will be driving me crazy that they are home all day.

But for now, I'm praying about my life and what to do with it. I never really got to find my "what I want to be when I grow up" job before, I've been a stay-at-home mom for 12 years nearly. So now I get to/have to figure it out. It should be a fun journey!

No comments: